Some conversations feel less like a back-and-forth and more like a hostage situation where no matter what you say, the other person finds a way to make it about them. It turns out there's a term for this phenomenon: conversational narcissism.
"While it's not a clinical term, we use it in everyday conversation to describe when a dialogue turns into a monologue," said Dr. Sue Varma, a clinical assistant professor of psychiatry at New York University Grossman School of Medicine. "I like to think of a healthy conversation as a game of catch. You throw the ball, the other person catches it, holds it for a second, and throws it back. With conversational narcissism, the other person catches the ball and just runs away with it."
Sociologist Charles Derber coined the term in his 1979 book "The Pursuit of Attention."
"This is someone who is constantly moving the conversation back to — what about me?" said therapist and author Wendy Behary. "It is someone who consistently speaks about themselves and steers conversations to be 'about them,'" added communications consultant Amelia Reigstad. "This tactic makes others feel undervalued and less heard."
"They just have a hard time letting the spotlight move off of them," Varma said. "It's not necessarily a sign they are self-absorbed, though it may seem like it."
"I often find that for those who truly monopolize the conversation, it comes from a place of deep insecurity — they feel they have to 'perform' or prove they're interesting to be liked," Varma said. "For others, it's actually social anxiety. They're so nervous about a lull in the conversation that they over-talk to fill the space." She added that this behavior often reflects a lack of "social muscles," rather than a lack of heart.
"Just because someone is a conversational narcissist doesn't necessarily mean they have narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissism is a personality trait that exists on a spectrum," said Chelsey Brooke Cole, a psychotherapist and author.
If you're trying to figure out whether you or someone in your life is a conversational narcissist, experts say there are a few common signs.
The 'Shift Response'
Derber also coined the term "shift response" to describe the habit of pivoting focus away from the person speaking and onto themselves. In contrast, a "support response" encourages the speaker to continue.
"The 'shift response' is the classic move," Varma said. "If you share a struggle, instead of asking a follow-up question, they immediately shift the story to themselves. 'I know exactly how you feel, my week was even crazier...'"
The 'Wait-To-Speak' Stare
Sometimes, conversational narcissism is less about what someone says and more about how they listen — or don't.
"They may ask a question, but as soon as you begin to answer, their attention drifts, their eyes glaze over or the conversation quickly shifts back to them," said Tracy Ross, a licensed clinical social worker specializing in couples and family therapy.
Varma described what she calls the "wait-to-speak" stare. "You can almost see them reloading. They aren't really absorbing what you're saying. They're just waiting for a half-second of silence so they can jump back in."
Constant One-Upping
Reigstad said another sign of conversational narcissism is "one-upping — trying to make themselves look better than you, or to put you down."
"It feels like a competitive sport," Varma said. "If you have good news, they have better news. It can make you feel like your experiences are being erased."
"An important distinction here is that they're not skillfully sharing their similar experience as a way of increasing relatability," said Natalie Moore, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "Rather, the share becomes more of a contest of whose experience was worse, or better."
Making The Other Person Feel Drained
"The most reliable and consistent sign is how you feel when talking to them," Cole said, adding that this experience tends to make people feel "exhausted, icky, overwhelmed or devalued."
"You may find you don't look forward to speaking with these people," Ross said. "If you walk away feeling like it was entirely about the other person — and that you weren't really seen or heard — that's a strong indicator."
"I always tell people to trust their gut — if you feel drained instead of connected, that's a huge clue," Varma said.
Attention-Seeking And Approval-Seeking
"Conversational narcissists want your attention and agreement," Behary said. "They're often looking not to have you challenge them, but to simply agree with them, adore them and applaud them. They are attention-seeking. They are approval-seeking. They are grandstanding."