Why our friend circles shrink
Generally speaking, there are two things you need to do to prevent your social life from dwindling naturally over time: Maintain the friendships you have and continue to make new ones. It sounds simple, but for a multitude of reasons, both are pretty challenging endeavors, especially as you get older, said Jaimie Krems, a social psychologist.
When you think of a time your social life was thriving, it's probably because you had built-in opportunities in close proximity with potential friends, said licensed therapist and relationship expert Moe Ari Brown. Think of being in school surrounded by people your age, working at a particularly social job or living with roommates or in the same neighborhood as your friends.
Without those conveniences, maintaining a healthy social life can be an uphill battle. First, there are the difficulties and changes that arise with big life transitions, Brown said. Maybe a move turns close friends into long-distance ones, or a major change — like a new job, partner or kids — shifts priorities and availability, and not everyone is up to recalibrating what the relationship looks like.
Not to mention, most lengthy friendships will eventually involve conflict, something a lot of people avoid or aren't good at, noted Brown. Sometimes instead of having tough conversations to work through differences of opinion, unmet needs or rough patches, people would rather let bonds fade.
That's not to say there aren't good reasons to let friendships peter out intentionally, though. As people evolve and change, it's natural to realize certain acquaintances no longer align with your circumstances, values or other important factors. "It's okay to outgrow relationships," Brown said.
There are also barriers to making new friends. Those barriers can be especially acute if you're drifting from your old ones, because, as Krems points out, friendships facilitate more friendships: Current friends introduce you to new people, bring you into existing social circles and make showing up to events less intimidating.
Even then, third spaces — the informal places outside of home or work where people gather — are getting harder to come by, Brown said. While local businesses and public facilities like cafes, parks, libraries, barbershops, bars and diners still exist, a 2019 study suggests that these kinds of communal destinations have been disappearing across the United States since the Great Recession. Plus, rising costs have made them less accessible as low-effort, everyday hangouts.
Luckily, none of these challenges are insurmountable. With a bit more intention and effort, it's possible to build a social life that feels full again.
How to build the social life you want
1. Start with 'weak ties'
Even if your long-term goal is to make new, close bonds, addressing the immediate loneliness that comes with a social dry spell helps, too. "The people that you see day-to-day are all potential micro-connections," Brown said. Maybe that's the barista you chat with in the morning, the regular at your gym, a neighbor you bump into at the mailbox or a parent you see at pickup. Even if they aren't best friend material, those small, friendly interactions can add up to a sense of belonging and increased happiness, which may make it easier to build momentum, studies show.
Once you're feeling socially warmed up, you can even be the one to take things a step further, something Edelstein said worked like a charm over the years. "I'm glad to be the person who says, 'Hey, let's get coffee' to someone new," she said.
2. Put yourself in environments that create repeat exposure
According to Krems, repeat exposure is one of the most important factors in a new friendship, alongside mutual attraction (which can be harder to control). This is why joining clubs in your area is such a popular tip: They tend to offer a good excuse to see the same people over and over without too much effort.
To facilitate more connection on a regular basis, Brown suggested looking in your community for hobby meetups, book clubs, volunteer groups or a cafe where you can be a regular. For Edelstein, that meant parenting groups or adult extracurriculars where she could get to know people gradually before deciding who might make a good potential friend.
3. Reach out to old friends
You're not alone if you feel you don't have any close friends. But chances are, you have former friends you've drifted from and might want to reach out to. Don't fall into the common trap of letting anxiety stop you. "Psychologically speaking, we often underestimate how much our friends and former friends would love to hear from us," Krems said.
That's been Edelstein's experience. She rarely hesitates to reach out to old connections, and she said the success rate is high. "People think, 'I haven't seen Jean in 15 years, so it would be weird to me to say hello.' But it's never weird, in my opinion. It's just always nice," she said.
4. Go about it like dating
We have pretty clear cultural scripts for pursuing romantic relationships — download an app, go on a few low-stakes meetups, see what sticks — but far fewer for friendship. The good news is, more tools such as Bumble BFF and Timeleft exist to facilitate platonic connections the same way. Making a profile, signing up for a "speed-friending" event or asking someone you know to set you up can help you meet people with some built-in intention.
And if that approach feels unnatural or awkward, try it anyway. "The people you meet are likely feeling that very human feeling too," Brown said. "The key is not letting cringe stop you from putting yourself out there and making quality connections."
5. Expect some friction
It's a common misconception that you're not supposed to have to try hard to make and keep friends — that if a friendship is meant to be, it will feel easy and natural. "That may have made sense in ancestral environments when you did all your chores in sight of the same hundred people, but that's not the world we live in right now," Krems said. "We're going to have to put in the work to even encounter a person we might like and want to develop a friendship with." And then, we have to make the effort to maintain it, too.
Don't give up if it's taking time to grow your social life to where you want it to be. If anything, you're building the muscle you'll need to tend to your perpetually evolving circle long-term.