Recently at a large social gathering, a friend of mine, who had been sitting next to a total stranger, said to me after their lengthy conversation was over, "That was the deepest conversation I've had with anybody in years. Usually, my conversations with others are superficial and don't mean a thing." When I asked him what they talked about, he said, "World. We had different views on the world, but the conversation was intimate and respectful. We were able to be honest and disagree without being offensive in any way. It was amazing."
With many young people addicted to their cellphones, I wonder how they will learn to converse deeply with others — a necessary skill in developing intimate friendships and romantic relationships. Because a great conversation is like a beautifully choreographed dance with both partners skillfully contributing to its beauty, a great conversation is a work of art — a function of timing, respect, and mutuality. A conversation is not an interview, a lecture, or a monologue, but a dialogue: an exchange of ideas and opinions between involved participants.
How do we learn to converse skillfully? With lots of practice. We need to be fully engaged and attentive to the nonverbal cues of the other person. We need to notice whether the other person is involved in the conversation and when to interject our own story or perspective. As with all skills, it requires observational data about how it's going — when it's going well or instead grinding to a halt and in need of repair.
I remember vividly the awkwardness of my first date when I was 16. There were long silences because neither of us was comfortable conversing. Because long silences made me more uncomfortable and I couldn't think of anything to say, I began reading the street and store signs we passed as we drove around the city. "Oh, there's State Street!" And then several minutes later: "There's Woolworth's right across the street." My sign-reading led nowhere except to more silence. Fortunately, my conversational skills improved over time.
Vital Conversational Skills
What did I learn? I learned to balance questions about the other person's story with related comments about my own experience. When interested in another person, I learned to begin a conversation with a comment about something we had in common, even something as mundane as the weather. An interaction beginning with "It's pretty chilly today!" could be followed by the other person saying: "My frisky companion and I nearly froze!" This could lead to: "Sounds like your dog is a loyal companion even on cold days" — an empathic response communicating understanding — followed by "What kind of dog do you have?" — a question indicating interest that facilitates the flow of conversation.
At a conference, in a classroom, or in a long line, comments to a stranger about a shared experience — "This instructor has a fascinating resume" or "It seems the store is always crowded" — are good starting points. Following such introductory comments, empathic responses, open-ended questions, and related anecdotes are generally good follow-up strategies that keep a conversation going.
If a person seems disinterested, an open-ended question might engage her. Otherwise, the conversation could be ended politely with a brief remark: "I better get going."
Common Mistakes
The most common mistakes in unsatisfying conversations are one person talking too much, getting too personal too quickly, and ignoring the fact that the other person is disinterested. Pursuing a one-sided conversation by adding too many details is likely to be boring to the listener. And not pausing to let the other person into the conversation is discourteous. The quiet member is often resentful about the speaker's usurping the attentional space but is uncomfortable saying so.
On the other hand, shy or inhibited people often have a hard time coming up with related experiences or anecdotes that contribute to the conversation. They may be skilled at empathic responding or questioning, but uncomfortable sharing their own opinions — and when they do, they offer too few details to be engaging. For shy people to develop more comfort in sharing personal information, they could start by offering opinions about less sensitive topics, such as movies, podcasts, restaurants, sports, or work, before venturing into more personal areas.
In addition, getting too personal too early in a conversation can be unsettling for the listener, who doesn't yet have enough context to assess the speaker's level of distress or openness.
Why Conversations Matter
People often wonder whether conversations, especially with strangers, are worth the risk. Because the world at large often feels threatening, we ensconce ourselves in little bubbles of connection with a limited variety of contacts — talking mainly to familiar types who resemble us in appearance, cultural background, and values, thereby depriving ourselves of the challenges that come with very different experiences.
While talking more personally to acquaintances, co-workers, and fellow club members could occasionally lead to rejection or unwanted propositions, conversations with others can enrich our lives significantly. They can reduce loneliness, strengthen our network of connections, and expand our worldview by including people different from us. In other words, conversational acuity is a skill worth developing — and an antidote to depression, isolation, and polarization.