If you want to feel closer to your friends, you don't need to overhaul your social life. Instead, experts suggest a small, manageable shift: Ask one deeper-than-usual question the next time you talk. Over time, that habit can change the tone of your conversations — and your relationships.
"It shifts conversations from updates to connection," says Kati Morton, a therapist in Austin. "It grows a relationship, vs. keeping it stagnant. It's almost like you're getting a full, well-rounded meal, whereas if you're just messaging someone on Instagram, that's junk food — it isn't as fulfilling for your brain and nervous system."
Many friendships default to surface-level conversation for a simple reason: people are busy. In other cases, people don't want to burden their friends or don't realize their friends are actually interested in anything beyond catch-up banter.
Instead of falling back on "How are you?" — which often leads to a quick "I'm good" — Cristina Billingsley, a marriage and family therapist, suggests trying something more specific: "What's been a high and a low for you lately?" That small shift can make it easier for people to open up. She's also known for asking, "How are you doing today, here and here?" while pointing at her head and her heart. "It invites honesty without pressure and opens the door for a real check-in," she says.
When you go deep, your conversations will feel more intentional, creating space for people to pause and reflect. "It tends to make people feel seen and heard," Billingsley says. Even simple prompts — like asking what's been weighing on someone's mind lately — can create that effect, giving people a chance to share something they might not have brought up on their own.
These kinds of conversations can also feel more emotionally satisfying and energizing. Researchers have found that people who ask each other progressively deeper questions reported significantly greater closeness than those who made small talk. Another study concluded that the happiest participants had twice as many deep conversations as the least happy. Asking these types of questions works because it prompts gradual, mutual sharing, which builds trust and emotional closeness over time.
Plus, deeper questions often unlock conversations that might not otherwise happen. People don't always share what's really on their mind unless they're directly asked. "If I haven't asked a question, people won't tell me something," Morton says. "But when prompted, they will." That can help one friend better understand what the other is going through — and make it easier to offer and receive support. Otherwise, if you stick to surface-level chatter, it can have a downstream effect: When you really do need a hand, you may not feel comfortable opening up or asking for it.
In that way, a simple question doesn't just strengthen connection — it can also help you better understand yourself.