Even in healthy relationships, people sometimes lose their tempers. A disagreement with a friend escalates into shouting; a classmate snaps after weeks of bottled-up frustration; a stranger raises their voice in a crowded store.
When someone's raging at you, two responses seem almost instinctual: some version of "calm down," and a quick, reflexive "I'm sorry." Both feel like the fastest way to defuse things — but experts say they often do the opposite.
Telling a furious person to calm down usually lands as criticism, says Dr. Lokesh Shahani, an associate professor at UTHealth Houston. A knee-jerk apology backfires differently: it signals that intimidation works. It might stop the yelling, Shahani says, but it teaches them that rage gets results.
The goal isn't to stop the other person from feeling angry. It's to make a real conversation possible again — holding your own boundaries while making them feel genuinely heard. Here's what to say instead.
"Help me understand what happened from your perspective."
Another common response to being yelled at is to interrupt, defend, and point out everything the other person got wrong. It usually pours gasoline on the fire. "When people are angry, they're not thinking clearly," Shahani says. "They can't hear you."
That's why Shahani reaches for that same phrase again and again. It promises only one thing: attention. "I'm not promising I'm going to be able to help you, but at least you have my ear," he says.
Moshe Cohen, a conflict-resolution expert in Boston, has found the same thing while mediating conflicts for three decades. Furious people are often reacting from a place of frustration, fear, or disappointment — not just the event they're yelling about. Maybe your friend feels taken for granted. Ask open-ended questions and resist the urge to rebut every point. "Nothing de-escalates anger as much as listening and validation," Cohen says.
"I can see how important this is to you."
When you're furious, you rarely want the problem solved in the first 30 seconds — you want to know the other person understands why it matters. That's why experts recommend validating the emotion rather than the behavior. Anger that comes out loud is usually the outer layer of something else, says Arela Agako, a psychologist in Toronto — fear, shame, or sadness. A friend who's furious that you canceled plans at the last minute might actually be feeling unimportant. So you might say, "I can see why that would be upsetting."
"You're right that…"
Agreeing with someone who's furious feels like the last thing you want to do — most of us worry it means admitting defeat. But it lowers their defenses enough that the conversation can move forward.
Rod Mitchell, a psychologist in Calgary, Canada, calls the technique "disarming." It's to find the genuine grain of truth in what the angry person is saying — even a small piece of it — and say it out loud. If they're upset because you were late: "You're right that I should have let you know I was running behind." "Anger is often a defensive emotion," Mitchell says. "Finding a way to agree with the other person is genuinely surprising to them."
"I'm willing to talk, but not if we're yelling at each other."
When someone starts shouting, it's natural to want it to stop, which is why so many people blurt out "calm down." Angry people rarely hear those words as an invitation to take a breath; they hear a judgment. Shahani prefers to set a boundary instead. Saying "I'm willing to talk, but not if we're yelling at each other" shows you want to hear them — but only if the conversation stays respectful. "It's an indirect hint, but not a direct criticism of someone's behavior," he says.
"I have an idea that might help. Do you want to hear it?"
Another mistake is trying to solve the problem too soon. If someone is still overwhelmed, they're not ready to hear solutions, so Cohen suggests waiting until they've fully vented — then asking permission: "I have an idea that might help. Do you want to hear it?"
"I want to hear you, and I can't do that while it's at this level."
Even if you say everything "right," some conversations simply aren't ready to happen. Mitchell likes this phrasing: "I want to hear you, and I can't do that while it's at this level. Let's stop and come back to it." Framing the pause this way makes clear you're not dismissing the other person's concerns — you're protecting the conversation until both of you are in a better place to have it.