Fifteen years ago, while writing a book about childhood emotional neglect, I was at a dinner party. It was late in the evening, after dinner, and we were all sitting around the table talking.
I mentioned to the group that writing my book was surprisingly demanding. At times when I would typically be relaxing, reading, or watching TV, I was now brainstorming, planning, or writing. But I explained that I was driven to do these things anyway because I was so passionate about my goal: making people aware of the invisible effects of childhood emotional neglect.
As my brother-in-law listened to me talk, he said he was going to send me something I had to read. A few days later, he did: a speech delivered by an insurance-industry speaker in 1940, on what the speaker called the "common denominator of success." Though the speech was worded in the style of a bygone era and aimed at salespeople, its core idea applies to anyone trying to succeed at something difficult — namely, that successful people share the habit of doing things that those who fail are unwilling to do.
As I read it, something about the idea struck me. Not because it was new, but because it named something many people quietly struggle with.
When Self-Discipline Feels Out of Reach
In my role as a psychologist and therapist, I have worked with many very bright, capable people who struggle with self-discipline. It's painful when a person who has tremendous potential is held back by their own ability to realize it.
I have found that the very thing that gets in many such people's way in fulfilling the potential they clearly know they have is an inability to make themselves do what they don't want to do. Often, these folks call themselves lazy. They get angry at themselves for not carrying through on the promises they make to themselves to do important things.
The anger they build toward themselves drains them and eats away at their self-esteem. Gradually, slowly, they start to give up because they are being taken down by a negative cycle of self-directed anger, frustration, and feelings of failure.
What May Be Missing
I have been treating these people for years. I often can see early on what the patient herself cannot: that her struggles with self-discipline are rooted in her childhood emotional neglect.
Most people don't realize that we humans are not born with the ability to structure ourselves. Nor are we born with a natural ability to make ourselves do what we don't want to do. In fact, quite the opposite.
In truth, we learn this skill from our parents.
As a child, each time your parents called you in to dinner, interrupting your play with the neighbor kids, made you take a bath, clear the table, clean your room, brush your teeth, hang up your clothes, weed the garden or empty the dishwasher, they were teaching you the two most vital aspects of self-discipline: how to make yourself do what you don't want to do, and how to stop yourself from doing things you shouldn't do.
If those moments did not happen often enough or in a consistent way, you may have grown up without fully internalizing this necessary internal structure. And without it, self-discipline can feel confusing, inconsistent, or even impossible at times.
Why Purpose Matters More Than Logic
That old speech also helped me recognize that these two most basic skills of self-discipline are not solely a function of childhood parental training. A sense of purpose is also an essential ingredient.
The idea is that it is an individual's personal purpose that drives them to make the choice to do things that are unpleasant, boring, or scary. That purpose has to be driven by feeling, not logic, or it will not be strong enough to do the trick.
Logic is not a great motivator, whereas emotion is.
And this is where many people with childhood emotional neglect may struggle without realizing why. When you grow up with your feelings ignored or discouraged in your childhood home, you can end up separated from your own emotions. Years later, as an adult, it may then be difficult to access the very emotional fuel that should be driving your purpose.
Finding What Moves You
Beyond helping people stop the self-blame and learn how to make themselves do what they don't want to do, I also had to help them find their purpose. So here are my questions for you:
What do you feel passionate about? What do you really care about?
These are not always easy questions. You may need to sit with them longer than you expect. You may need to notice small signals before anything feels clear.
But once you begin to identify what truly matters to you, something shifts.
Instead of struggling to make yourself do things, ending in failure, disappointment, and regret, you can forgive yourself for your difficulties and attribute them instead to what you didn't receive as a child. Then, you can choose your goals and actions based on something you feel, not just something you think you should do — and find yourself able to drive forward in ways that once felt out of reach.