One thing about me is that I constantly feel like I'm not doing enough. Even when I try my absolute hardest during the day, then get into bed exhausted at night, I tell myself that others are working so much harder and doing so much better.
Comparison can make us feel like we'll never measure up to those around us, but self-doubt makes us feel like we're wasting our potential — that no matter how much effort we put in, our results will always be merely satisfactory, or just short of it.
This can make it daunting to take big leaps in pursuit of our goals. Our brain will tell us, "Why apply to that fancy university or big company when you're probably not good enough anyway?"
Even small tasks can feel scary. Why do something with the chance of it not being great, when I could avoid it altogether? And if I have to do it, why not delay until the last minute, so I have no choice but to get it done?
Personally, I've found that my self-doubt has caused me to feel anxious throughout the workday, and this feeling is not something I anticipated.
Although I often felt self-doubt completing assignments for my degree, the stakes felt low, and I procrastinated as a result — my work was really only seen by a TA or a professor, and once graded, it didn't need to be looked at again.
On the other hand, tasks in my current job matter much more because they affect more people. My work isn't simply reviewed and discarded — it's done because someone needs it done.
Because of these "high stakes," I've sometimes been too anxious during working hours to tackle daunting, unfamiliar tasks — so I've completed easier, routine tasks during the day, then logged on in the evening or on weekends to do the heavier lifting.
Of course, this isn't ideal — evenings and weekends should be for exercise, rest, and the things we can't do at work. It's something I haven't mastered yet, but I'm working on it.
I recently have had some chats with those around me about my performance, and to my surprise, they have been quite positive.
While I thought I was lacking in many areas related to my day-to-day duties, I have had colleagues express a desire for me to stay beyond my contract end-date, even advocating for me to my manager.
A recruiter I often work closely with also asked if I'd be interested in a different upcoming role, saying he thought I had most of the transferable skills for it.
Even my manager's evaluation of my performance was quite positive. She highlighted strengths I didn't realize I possessed, and noted areas of improvement that can be mastered with time and experience.
Overall, while I thought I was dragging those around me behind, I was making things easier for them. Even completing simple tasks like responding to emails in my team's shared inbox alleviated workload from others.
Talking with my colleagues made me realize I'm more important than I thought. My tasks will need to be handed over once my contract ends — I do quite a bit to support the team, and it doesn't go unnoticed.
If you think you're not doing well, you may simply lack information. Talk to your professors, managers, classmates, or friends. Ask what your strengths are, what you've done well, and where you can improve — asking questions can open up a world you never knew about.
As I continue in my career and academics, I hope to ask for more feedback, and remind myself I'm probably doing better than I realize — if someone really thought otherwise, they'd tell me. Early in this role, my manager said there was room for improvement; it's striking to see how far I've come in half a year.
Another thing I've learned is that you won't get a "yes" unless you ask. Talk to your manager about a promotion. Apply to that prestigious program. Submit that application, even if hundreds of others are probably applying too.
After all, the worst they can say is "no."
And the best part is, that no does not mean anything other than to continue doing what you're doing. Maybe seeking out the next opportunity will lead to a yes.
We are our own worst critics, and if we are too critical of ourselves, we can end up self-sabotaging. So take things one day at a time, try your best, and believe that whatever opportunities are meant for you will find you.