Everyone has that one friend who keeps going back to their ex. Despite the post-breakup lectures and vows that it's "over for good," they still reconcile with the very person they swore was bad news.
It's a plight many of us know all too well: being the friend on the sidelines through every on and off period. You sit through countless rants, help draft the "I deserve better" messages, and then quietly watch the pattern repeat.
"It's quite an overshadowed perspective that we don't talk about enough," one woman, who requested anonymity, tells SELF. She recounts dozens of intervention attempts and heart-to-hearts with her former best friend, only to be accused of "peer-pressuring," branded a "hater," and dismissed as "nosy" about a relationship that technically isn't her business. "I understand that people go through hurt in toxic dynamics, but we need to also talk about the toll on the friends who get disrespected in the process."
Of course, there's an argument that good friends will (and should!) support you through highs and lows, which is why we nod politely when our pals insist it's "different this time" and offer a gentle, "I just want you to be happy" instead of delivering the harsh truth.
But the expectation to put your friendship first and "just be supportive" overlooks the other part of the equation: the labor of playing designated therapist over and over again — an exhausting déjà vu that Miami-based clinical psychologist Christie Ferrari, PhD, calls "compassion fatigue."
"It's very common to feel frustrated in situations like this," Dr. Ferrari tells SELF, emphasizing that doing so doesn't make someone unsympathetic or cruel. Friendships rely on a sense of mutual respect, she explains, which can get lost when the advice you were asked for is consistently ignored. "Supporting someone through repeated breakups takes up a lot of energy and can be draining, because your role eventually shifts from being understanding to feeling responsible for helping them recover again and again," she explains. "So often, what people describe as 'losing respect' for their friend in these scenarios is more about the fatigue of watching the same pattern repeat while their concern isn't landing."
That "loss of respect," as Dr. Ferrari puts it, is relatable to even the most kind-hearted, understanding people. Another woman I spoke with walked me through the demise of what used to be a close, fulfilling bond — that is, until her friend's on-again, off-again relationship with a terrible ex got in the way. She describes sitting through two years' worth of stories about his cheating, condescending comments, and name-calling — along with processing her own confusion and resentment about watching her once-confident friend willingly go back, despite everything she said or did to intervene.
"I loved her as a person," she tells me. "But when she's with her ex, she reverts to the worst version of herself." She tells me the friend would regularly make excuses for her partner's infidelity (which she once proudly set as a dealbreaker) and even cut off other, well-intentioned friends who disapproved. "I can only give advice so much," she says, "and I realized it's up to her to follow through."