We all know at least one or two adults who like to have things done for them: someone to run their errands, drive them to appointments, pick up their groceries. My mother was like this. I was what is referred to as the parentified child, taking care of her from the time I was a young girl until she died seven years ago. I was so put off by my mother's complete reliance on other people that I went in the opposite direction; I became a psychologist who strongly prefers to do everything for herself.
I learned over time that the problem with excessive self-reliance or stoicism is that it isn't always, or even often, effective. As a psychologist, I had to learn the importance of asking for help when one needs it, and then teach it to the people I work with.
No one can go through life alone. Humans are social beings, and we are designed to be interconnected with one another. Being able to effectively ask for and receive help also makes us stronger and more independent over time.
There are many reasons why people don't like to ask for help. One is we think we should be able to do everything for ourselves. We feel that if we ask others for help, we will look weak or needy. We might fear rejection or worry about imposing on others. We may even believe that receiving help from others means we owe someone something back.
Believe me, I get it. I have some of those same cognitive distortions in my thinking as well. I need to give myself grace and compassion for having such thoughts, and then push through them.
Once we have pushed past those thoughts, the next step is figuring out what help we could benefit from, and knowing how, when, and who to ask for help.
We aren't supposed to have all the answers, capabilities, or capacities. I encourage the people I work with to take an inventory of the needs that they have. We have to understand that, as emotionally healthy adults, we need to meet many of our own needs ourselves. Some of our needs we can ask other people for help with, and some of our needs will go unmet.
Once we figure out the needs we have, we can spot which ones might benefit from support and assistance. Let's say we don't want to go to the end-of-summer company picnic alone and would prefer a plus-one to come with us. There's nothing wrong — and, dare I say, everything right — with asking another person to accompany us. But we need to be strategic.
First, pick a supportive person to ask. Then, ask politely. When we ask for help, we might want to consider what our body language, posture, tone of voice, and choice of words say about us and our request. For example, if we stand in front of someone with our arms crossed over our chests, this often signals defensiveness or a lack of openness. Making demands or insisting that someone help us can be off-putting and decrease our chances of getting support.
One practical approach I like suggests that, when it comes to asking for help, people consider starting small, practicing on safe people with simple requests. Your odds of success are higher if you ask someone for a ride to a job interview than if you ask them for money to pay this month's rent.
When we ask for help, we also must be prepared for someone to say no. If they do, we must learn not to take it personally. Most of the time, their reasons for refusal are not about us.
I reached out to Adam Brown, a psychologist and professor at the New School for Social Research who has conducted research on factors that contribute to mental-health risks and resilience. "Strong social connections and support are among the most important protective factors when people face stress, adversity, and difficult life circumstances," he said. "Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a form of adaptive coping that strengthens relationships, reduces isolation, and creates opportunities to gain new perspectives, learn from others, and grow."
I agree, and I sometimes need that reminder when my old childhood habit returns and I start believing that I need to have all the answers and take care of everyone but me.
I'm human. I deserve support, connection, and help, just like everyone else. And so do you.