Fern Schumer Chapman and her brother were only 2 1/2 years apart in age, but they were never close as children. As they grew up, the distance yawned between them: Phone calls went unreturned. When they got together, it was awkward, and they couldn't find anything to say to each other. "In time, we said nothing at all," Chapman says. She and her brother became estranged siblings.
Unfortunately, Chapman, who wrote about her sibling story of estrangement in her memoir Brothers, Sisters, Strangers, is not alone. "Not everyone has the close, supportive bond we often see portrayed on social media or in film and television, especially around the holidays," says Lucy Blake, PhD, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England who has studied sibling estrangement and author of Home Truths: The Facts and Fictions of Family Life.
But how can we mend one of the strongest bonds of our lifetime — or should we?
How do you know if you should reconcile?
If you regret your estrangement, it may be time to mend fences. "Decisions to reconcile might be shaped by whether the underlying causes of estrangement have been acknowledged or addressed," Blake says.
It was a decision Chapman didn't take lightly. At the urging of her mother, she called her brother and helped him get the help he needed, which was the first step on the road to rebuilding trust between them. "By reconciling, I was able to answer so many questions that burned within me," she says.
When determining whether to reconcile, Chapman suggests asking yourself:
Why is this relationship important to me — not to my family or to anyone else, but to me?
Can I set aside the anger, pain or resentment that led to the break?
Do I want to resume this relationship if I discover that neither of us has changed?
Do I have the time, energy, emotional resilience and support of other loved ones to reconcile and rebuild this relationship?
Will I compromise too much of myself if I try to sustain a relationship with my sibling?
Of course, for reconciliation, your sibling must want to revive the relationship as well, which might mean acknowledging the part you played in the break. "I had to reflect on my role in the estrangement, my boundaries and my family priorities, and that led to self-awareness, self-regulation and greater sensitivity," Chapman says.
She says you'll also need to:
Change your expectations of your sibling and accept them as they are.
Let go of the past pain and focus on the future relationship.
Set boundaries and, if necessary, establish a clear understanding of how you will spend time together.
Decide if a "limited relationship," in which you see or talk only at certain times, is best, and have an exit strategy when conversations become tense.
How can estranged siblings reconcile?
Buckle up for a long journey. "Reconciliation isn't a single conversation — it can begin with small steps and take months, even years, to rebuild trust in a relationship," Chapman says. For her and her brother, "both of us were determined to change how we related, and that made the difference."
She advises taking these steps:
Sit down together, face to face. Focus on your willingness, desire and hope to create a new, mutual bond.
Listen without interrupting or challenging each other's stories. The one goal is to seek understanding. Reconciliation is impossible without true, genuine listening.
Acknowledge the other person's hurt, anger or alienation. Be empathetic and give them the benefit of the doubt, assuming they have sincere and trustworthy intentions.
Seek common ground. Focus on shared experiences and memories to rise above differences and avoid contentious topics.
Accept each other. When each party accepts both parties' experiences, neither feels devalued or shut out, and healing can begin.
What are some tips for coping with sibling estrangement?
If you can't or don't want to reconcile, you should make peace with the estrangement for your own mental and physical well-being. "Working through estrangement — whether through reconciliation or acceptance — can spur what's known as post-traumatic growth," Chapman says.
It can be a lot to handle, but know that you don't have to go at it alone. "Speaking with a licensed mental health professional who understands the complexities of family estrangement can be beneficial," Blake says. "Some people find it helpful to connect with others who get it, whether through in-person or online support groups or by seeking out information about estrangement."
It also helps to have someone in your life who you are close to and trust. "Above all, lean into relationships where you feel safe, supported and understood," Blake says.