We all know someone whose personality we're drawn to, who we feel understands and sees us. These are people we love to talk to at parties, get excited about seeing, and enjoy having conversations with because we always feel better when we do.
They don't have to be good-looking, funny, or outgoing; they just have to listen. While good looks and humor might draw us in at first, sustaining our attention requires magnetism. Magnetic people stand out in a number of ways, Emma Seppälä, a psychologist and faculty director of the Yale School of Management's Women's Leadership Program, told Discover. But most importantly, magnetism is about us, not them — and maintaining it over time has to do with how a person makes you feel.
"Most people want to feel safe, heard, valued, and appreciated," Seppälä told Discover. "Being present and making a person feel like they're the only person in the room is a magnetic quality that grabs your attention."
Magnetic People Provide You With Their Undivided Attention
Certain aspects of a magnetic personality can be developed if you're paying attention. We can all be the types of people who have these attributes simply by listening, hearing the words people say, and looking into others' eyes as they say them. "You're with them 100 percent," Seppälä said.
It's always been something that's quite rare, but right now, with smartphones and everyone's attention drawn in every direction, it's more uncommon than ever. "Few and far between are the adults who are really, truly there with you, and so when they are, you notice," Seppälä told Discover.
Still, it's a relief to know that if you give your fellow humans your full attention, you too can be a magnetic person, regardless of your appearance or how quick-witted you are. When people feel heard, it makes a world of difference because, according to Seppälä, who is also the author of The Happiness Track, these qualities are very uncommon.
We live in a stressed society, and when people are stressed, they focus on themselves rather than others. As a result, many of us can't connect. One study in the Journal of Experimental Psychopathology found that people with anxiety disorder reported "elevated levels of self-focused evaluative attention." When we're constantly focused on ourselves and not others, it's impossible to be magnetic.
Magnetic Personalities Know When to Listen and When to Speak
Craig Kain, a psychologist from Long Beach, California, who has written extensively on magnetic personalities, told Discover that magnetic people have certain qualities beyond being present and good listeners. For example, they're passionate about learning new things, have humility, and put others first. They're also engaged enough in the conversation to remember what people say and ask follow-up questions.
"At our core, we all want to feel important and be understood. It's impossible for someone to make us feel that way if they're distracted and not paying attention to us," Kain told Discover.
There are also some qualities that magnetic people are born with, for example, knowing innately when to listen and when to ask follow-up questions, while at the same time, showing vulnerability.
When it comes to friendships, Kain said: "We are drawn to people whose personalities encourage us to comfortably and safely share our true selves." And the same is true in romantic relationships.
Kain points to research by Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), demonstrating that creating a safe space to express vulnerabilities fosters the intimacy and bonding necessary to build a fulfilling romantic relationship. A study published in BMC Psychology found that EFT led to intimate relationships and true connections that "enhanced the quality of life and reduced the risk of psychological disorders."
In the end, this is because happiness comes from positive human connections, said Seppälä, which is why we're drawn to those people who we feel truly hear us. Being happy isn't complicated; it's about creating mindful connections, and the only way you can do that is by being present with others, listening, learning, being vulnerable, and putting your phone away. It's much less complicated than we let on.