Research shows that a single positive interaction with a friend a day can boost our mental well-being. On the other hand, an awkward or uncomfortable talk can leave us stressed for days on end. There's no magic bullet for good conversation, but there are some common mistakes we can avoid to help improve our relationships.
Have you ever asked a question just to have the opportunity to answer it yourself? Known as "boomerasking," this habit can make us seem manipulative, since we're only bringing up a topic to address it ourselves. "'Boomerasking' can leave the other person feeling like they aren't being taken seriously," says Dr. Meghan Marcum, PsyD.
It can be challenging to stay silent when you have something to say. There are some relationships in which both parties are interrupters who don't mind when it happens, but that's more the exception than the norm. In general, starting to talk before someone else has finished is considered rude and disrespectful. "Interrupting someone may often contribute to perceptions of being devalued or slighted," Marcum notes.
We've all heard the stories — or experienced them firsthand — about bad dates where the other party won't stop droning on about their own life. It's boring, and can make the other person feel like they don't matter. They may wonder if they even need to be there!
When a loved one comes to us with a problem, it's natural to want to help them fix it — but they may just want to vent. "A common and detrimental action in conflict is to swoop in with suggestions when someone describes a problem, instead of listening and acknowledging the other person's experience," says Dana Caspersen, conflict engagement specialist and author of "Conflict Is an Opportunity: 20 Fundamental Decisions for Navigating Difficult Times."
We may be trying to help, but unsolicited advice can make someone else think we see them as helpless. "The impact of the suggestion swoop is often that the person with the problem feels both that they are not being truly listened to and that they are not being seen as capable of finding solutions on their own," Caspersen says. If you catch yourself doing this, try asking what's hardest for them instead of jumping to solutions.
Closed-ended questions are those with yes-or-no answers, rather than those that invite your conversation partner to continue the chat. Asking questions is vital to a good conversation, but we want to ensure that those questions pave the way forward rather than create stop signs. It's the difference between "Do you like your drink?" and "What do you like about your drink?" — one prompts a one-word answer, the other a paragraph or two.
Asking follow-up questions shows that we're listening, engaged, and care about the person we're speaking with. If we ask a question, they answer, and we introduce a whole new subject, the other person could feel like we're just filling time and not interested in what they have to say. When we hear their response, it should naturally lead us to want to know more, even if all we say is, "I'd love to hear more about that."
A conversation should be a back-and-forth exchange, so bombarding someone with nonstop questions is something to avoid. Even if we use a nice, gentle tone, we could make our partner feel on edge and defensive, like they're being interrogated rather than talked with. After each question and answer, pause to see if the other person has anything to ask before jumping to your next one.
"The biggest mistake one can make is essentially lacking respect for the other person when having a conversation," says Marcum. Using dismissive language "can very quickly erode dialogue and create a barrier between two people." Dismissive behavior can manifest as a direct response to something someone is telling us, such as claiming they are overreacting, or as a lack of validation, such as saying "Whatever" when someone expresses displeasure with us.
"Conversational mistakes often create a sense of disconnection and can lead to problems in relationships," says Marcum. This applies to all types of relationships, whether personal or professional, and negative consequences are more likely when these mistakes happen frequently. Over time, they can contribute to people feeling misunderstood, and others may eventually avoid conversations altogether.
Thankfully, we can get past these communication mistakes and start having better, more functional discussions. The biggest thing we can do is simply to listen openly and behave respectfully. "Listen with the real intent to understand, express yourself without attack or defense, and don't leap to strategies before you understand what really matters on both sides of the conversation," explains Caspersen.