Whatever your occupation, whether you are in a relationship or single, raising kids or caring for parents, volunteering, or spending time with friends, you are negotiating. As we make or fend off requests, ask for favors, or arrange plans with colleagues and loved ones, we constantly negotiate on when and where to meet, what to share, and whose opinions to explore. Life is largely about negotiation. Who goes first? How do we build trust and intimacy? How do we manage the dance of social interaction?
But negotiation is a skill — one most of us haven't learned or practiced. Most of us just aren't very good at it. And then there are trickier, more formal negotiations — over medical bills after a serious illness, a family matter, or a dispute over Grandma's will. Or negotiating at work for a raise, a promotion, or more responsibility.
There are a lot of components that go into a successful negotiation, but before you can use most of those strategies, you need to get the other person's attention. You probably want to jump right in and get exactly what you want, right now, but you'll discover it's much easier when you have cultivated a good rapport first. And building rapport is how we begin teaching our courses in negotiation.
When I moved into my dream house, my husband and I were immediately faced with a hostile neighbor who confronted us about our driveway and well easement on his property, turning our initial excitement into dread and avoidance. I had never had an enemy, and I was simultaneously enraged and at a loss. I called my mom to complain, and she said: "Take him a glass of lemonade." At first, I thought she was nuts... but once I did it, that small act of kindness transformed our relationship. Eventually, I needed his approval for a crucial gas line easement through his property — after a couple years of relationship building, he agreed, and I learned how even a horrible relationship can transform through reciprocity.
You should develop the skill of reciprocity — of giving someone a lemonade — as a way to build a positive relationship. What you offer doesn't have to be an actual glass of lemonade, of course — it may be a sandwich, tickets to a sports event, a beer or a coffee, or just a kind word at the right moment. The point is that you are offering the other person something valuable or meaningful to them.
Giving someone a small gift to create a cycle of reciprocity is often a smart play in a negotiation. Granted, it doesn't always work, but as long as what you give away is cheap or free, not getting something in return is no big deal. Here are three strategies that help build reciprocity:
Give their favorite
There are lots of different types of "lemonades" — you want to give the other person the kind they like. If a colleague has a favorite drink, don't get him something else entirely; if your father-in-law wants coffee, learn what kind and get him that. This works better when you take time to learn about the person — research shows customized gifts are more effective at eliciting a positive response.
Think like a kid
Reciprocity taps into a deep part of our brain, and often, simple things work especially well. Gifts of food seem to trigger larger returns than equally valuable nonfood gifts — we suspect this is because you are reaching someone at a very basic level of need. The same logic applies whether you are offering someone a cool glass of lemonade, a compliment, or a sympathetic word when they're feeling harried. If you think your child would love the gift, then it is probably a good bet.
Your choice
Remember, there's a big difference between offering someone a small gift and surrendering to the other person's demand. If the other person orders you to bring them a lemonade, don't do it. Giving in to demands will not get you what you want in a negotiation. If the person politely requests one, that's OK — the important thing is that giving the other person something is your decision, freely made, without duress. When someone demands or threatens you if you don't bring them what they want, giving in teaches them to demand and threaten more.
Giving out a well-chosen lemonade is one way to start building a relationship and establishing greater rapport. It doesn't guarantee you can turn an acquaintance into a friend, but it sure increases the odds. Experiment by pushing that reciprocity button and watching for any changes in the other person's reactions and behavior.