Ask someone what they're bad at, and they rarely need to deliberate; they have material ready. Ask what they're good at, however, and there is suddenly a pause, some throat-clearing, perhaps a modest answer about being "pretty organized." Self-criticism, unfortunately, comes with excellent recall.
That imbalance may stem from how we are taught to evaluate ourselves. Psychology Today notes that years of feedback about what needs fixing can make our strongest qualities harder to recognize. The fact that the VIA Institute on Character, which offers a free strengths assessment, has given it to over 35 million people worldwide suggests that many of us need help figuring out what we bring to the table.
Some criticism deserves a closer look. Joel Wong, a counseling psychology professor at Indiana University, writes in Psychology Today that a weakness can act like a shadow attached to a strength. Precision can harden into rigidity, high standards can render someone abrasive, and persistence can become stubbornness just when everyone else would very much like to go home.
None of this means romanticizing every irritating thing about yourself, since sometimes a bad habit is simply a bad habit. But the complaints that keep following you can be more complicated. Labels such as "too intense," "too picky," or "too stubborn" may also describe the very quality that enables you to notice what others overlook, or that makes you refuse to do sloppy work.
The same logic applies to unwelcome emotions. Anxiety is one nobody defends: we talk about it as an intruder that barges in, ruins the evening, and needs to be escorted from the premises. Yet Wellesley College psychologist Julie Norem has spent decades studying defensive pessimism, a strategy in which people imagine what could go wrong before a high-pressure situation so that they can prepare for it.
"People who are anxious do better when they use defensive pessimism than when they try to be optimistic," Norem told The Globe and Mail. Anyone who has arrived at the airport three hours early with printed confirmations in two separate bags will probably recognize this. Before dismissing the worry as useless, ask what it might be doing for you.
Sometimes the trait itself is fine; the setting is wrong. Someone who chats with strangers for 20 minutes and walks away knowing their dog's name, hometown, and weekend plans could excel in sales. Were that same person placed alone in front of repetitive data entry all day, however, somebody might eventually write "easily distracted" on an evaluation.
A strengths survey is one starting point; other people are another. The catch: those closest to you may be the least impressed by what comes naturally. A newer friend, mentor, therapist, or coach may notice what everyone else stopped seeing years ago because, to those who know you well, you have always been able to do it.