Put the small talk on pause
Our default question when catching up with a friend or meeting someone new is, "How are you?" It's a perfectly reasonable thing to ask and considered polite protocol — but it's not exactly the best way to engage someone to open up on a deeper level. Not just because it's a boring, expected question, but because it comes with a boring, expected answer: "I'm good." So, how do we break out of this cycle?
Instead of choosing an expected question like "how's it going" or "how are you doing," swap in a more specific, open-ended question. The result? You might just find yourself making new friends and strengthening relationships.
"We [often] resort to small talk because it's socially safe, helps maintain norms, and avoids the vulnerability or discomfort that deeper conversations may bring."
Deeper conversations help us build intimacy, trust, and emotional validation. "By opening up about our own thoughts, feelings, and experiences, we create a bridge that invites the other person to do the same," explains Rachel Marmor, LMHC. "It's not about oversharing, but about offering glimpses of our true selves, which encourages others to lower their defenses and share what's real for them."
Even though it can be tricky to initiate these conversations or get vulnerable with others at first, research shows that doing so can bring some pretty awesome rewards, like greater happiness, improved self-esteem, and a sense of belonging.
"When we ask more personalized and specific questions, we can strengthen our connections by showing a genuine interest in getting to know each other," adds Saba Harouni Lurie, LMFT. "Personalized questions also encourage authentic communication, where both parties can express their true thoughts and feelings."
She adds that these deeper conversations provide opportunities to gain new perspectives, offering insights into different life experiences, values, and ideas.
It's one thing to have a list of questions to ask someone besides "how are you." It's another to take that conversational stepping stone and truly connect with other people. Here are four steps you can take to have a more meaningful conversation.
Sharing about ourselves first is an effective way to naturally deepen relationships, build trust, and move us beyond superficial niceties.
"When we take the first step and are willing to share more about how we are actually feeling and what's really on our minds, we allow the person we are speaking with to do the same," notes Lurie. "It's a way to signal that we want to have a more honest and in-depth conversation and can serve as an invitation for the other person to do the same."
All meaningful conversations require a good balance of listening and sharing. Nobody wants to hang with someone who talks at them or doesn't really seem to care about what's being discussed.
"Active listening is the cornerstone of meaningful engagement," Marmor says. "It requires us to be fully present, setting aside distractions and tuning in not just to the words, but to the emotions, the pauses, and the unspoken messages."
This is where the magic of true connection happens — when both people feel understood and valued.
It's one thing to listen and respond, but being sincerely curious about the other person will create an innate sense of trust and connectedness, says Kimberly Best, RN, a dispute resolution expert at Best Conflict Solutions.
"This is where conversations can really come alive," she says. "When someone shares a detail about their life, follow up on it. If they mention a new hobby, ask what drew them to it. If they talk about a challenge they're facing, express interest in how they're approaching it. Be open to learning something new from each interaction."
Finally, creating a safe and supportive environment is essential. "People open up when they feel safe, when they know their thoughts and feelings will be met with kindness and without judgment," Marmor says. "In this space, even silence can be powerful. Reflective pauses allow for thought, for the conversation to breathe, and for both people to connect in a way that words alone cannot achieve."
Do all these things, and you'll find yourself in a place where real connection lives and where relationships go deeper and feel more satisfying.