From the moment we wake to the last scrolls before sleep, our phones are an intimate extension of ourselves. Most Americans check their phones within minutes of waking up, and keep their devices within arm's reach while they sleep. Throughout the day, we are tethered to our phones. People touch their cellphones hundreds of times throughout a day, perhaps every few minutes.
"Cellphone" is actually a misnomer, actually, as the ability to call another is now an app, within a myriad of options available on our handheld devices. Our phones have evolved into alarm clocks, calendars, news sources, and social media platforms. We are touching our phones more than we are touching each other.
When our loved ones send a text, there are no shared rules that guide expectations for a response. If you are like me, you sometimes text "Hi there" to a friend when you want to connect. I don't expect an immediate response, but a response sometime in the near future is reassuring to me. When the content involves a shared immediate event, like plans to pick someone up at a specified time, we rely upon texts to communicate changes: "My train is delayed and I won't be there at 6:00."
These kinds of interactions assist with immediate communication. But even concrete information can lead to misunderstandings. Recipients receive information that can still defy a shared understanding — "But, I read 7:30!" — which can leave heads scratching.
When information has an emotional component, the impact on the receiver becomes more complex. We commonly make judgments based on a lack of timely responses, and that is worth exploring. Humans assign meaning when a response is not immediate. Perhaps the message is iPhone to iPhone, and we are cognizant when the message has been read. Moreover, we collectively share that a text that has been delivered is, on some level, apprehended.
While there aren't shared rules about obligations, we expect an immediacy of responses. Importantly, when content has an emotional component, our central nervous systems are attuned to interpret the meaning of digital interactions. Often, our emotional reactions are not aligned with the motivations of others. However, immediate positive feedback leads to a softening in disputes: "I love you, and we can fix this," may never lose a relational battle.
Microexpressions of fear or disgust become a natural part of the immediacy of our interpretation when we are face-to-face. Texts remove this vital component of establishing a shared understanding of what is happening between people. Our expectations lead to visceral emotional reactions, which is a normative human response. Put simply, when we send texts that require an emotional response, no response has a negative impact on our relationships. We naturally interpret a lack of feedback as a rejection in some form. In the absence of guidelines for shared expectations about digital responses from our loved ones, many suffer when one sender's message is not met with an immediate response.
An acknowledgement of an emotional text, without the burden of resolving the content, is a good next step. In this situation, "I read this message and I will think about it so we can move forward when we have a chance to speak in person" may be an important pro-social response. In this case, one is validating that a wider conversation will be an important shared event, without the pressure of an immediately identified solution. This type of response is a remedy to the need to feel connected, which is often the motivation behind the sender tapping on a keyboard.
Often, we become paralyzed when asked to respond to emotional content in a text and shut down silently. Pay attention, because people crave responses to emotional content. When we agree that no response is a response, and one that is bound to raise anxiety in the sender, we improve outcomes in our interpersonal relationships. Attempts to reach an intimate partner through acknowledgment of a struggle may forge emotionally intelligent connections. In turn, when we feel connected in intimate partner relationships, we feel peace. Feedback doesn't require a way forward on the dispute; however, a confirmation that one has received the content may establish safety in the relationship.
Responding with care is a digital habit that may provide a shared comfort that is essential for relational success. The more we create healthy relationships in our interpersonal worlds, the more we contribute to a healthy culture. Our culture is influenced by every individual, regardless of economic position or status, making this content worthy of sharing. Furthermore, healthy text responses with our intimate partners may lead to many more physical touches than we afford our devices.