Good eye contact is an invaluable social skill that can help you build more authentic connections. Studies have found that great eye contact makes us come across as more trustworthy, confident, intelligent, and even more memorable.
With a little practice, you can develop better eye contact. The first step is to acquaint yourself with common eye contact mistakes so you can avoid them.
One of the biggest mistakes people make is avoiding eye contact entirely. Often, this happens simply because it feels awkward to look someone else in the eyes. Research has also found that people who feel anxious in social situations often have a marked fear of direct eye contact.
Still, it can come across poorly. "Whether it's due to shyness, nerves, or simply feeling awkward, avoiding eye contact can unintentionally signal disinterest, insecurity, or even dishonesty," notes therapist April Crowe.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, making really intense eye contact or staring can be a bit jarring for the person you're looking at. "As humans, we expect natural breaks in gaze, so when this doesn't happen, we start to question intentions," says Sophia Spencer, a social psychologist and mental health therapist. "It's also important to note that staring or wide-open eyes can be read as anger or aggression, even if that is not the intention."
Those who tend to avert eye contact may inadvertently shift their focus away from the other person's eyes. For example, maybe you gaze at their forehead or hands.
Again, this can come across as rude, as it may signal that you're bored, not paying attention, or focused on something other than the conversation. It can also make the other person feel self-conscious about the area you're staring at.
In another attempt at avoiding eye contact, you may find your eyes darting around from one object to the next. "When your eyes constantly shift around — looking at the floor, the ceiling, or everything but the person you're talking to — it gives the impression that you're distracted or anxious," Crowe notes.
Eye contact norms vary significantly from one culture to the next. "In many Western cultures, direct eye contact is valued as a sign of confidence and engagement," Spencer says. "However, in some other cultures, prolonged eye contact may be considered disrespectful or confrontational, particularly with elders."
In group settings, it's easy to accidentally focus on one person and forget to switch your gaze to someone else. Depending on the situation, this can make the primary receiver a bit uncomfortable and may make others feel ignored or less important. Distribute your gaze evenly across all participants, so everyone feels included in the interaction.
It may seem like a small thing, but eye contact is a skill that, once honed, is very powerful. "In both social and professional settings, eye contact can be seen as an important aspect because it builds trust, rapport, and understanding between individuals," notes Michelle Dees, a board-certified psychiatrist. "It depicts focus and genuineness, hence enabling the other party to feel important and listened to."
Before you give yourself a hard time about your eye contact habits, know that the above mistakes are very common and not intentional. More importantly, Crowe reminds us, they're also pretty easy to work on with a little self-awareness and practice.
Eye contact is a super powerful tool that, when wielded well, can make a big difference in your social interactions. Nobody's perfect, so don't stress it too much. Still, with a little time and practice, mastering this skill can open doors to more meaningful and engaging interactions.